I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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