i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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