turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
