just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
