Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
