So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
