She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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