You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
