Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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