Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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