he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
