I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
