i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
