i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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