he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
