well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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