So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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