o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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