i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
