My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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