Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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