We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Send help, water and tortillas.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
