i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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