I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
