I am in a vortex of obligation.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
