just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
