Umm I'm too high to move.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
