Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
