hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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