I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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