I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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