im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
