Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Everything about him screamed your future.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Randomize
