dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
