I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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