i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
