No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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