Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
