Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
