big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
