6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
