So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
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