i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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