My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
