Jerry, you need to find god
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
