I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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