I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Michael Bay diarrhea
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
