So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
