i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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