When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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