dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
