I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
