it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
